Monday, October 7, 2013

Surrender


I’ve been in this place before… and it still terrifies me.  I dream dreams, make plans, work toward something and then am struck with the (often painful) reminder that I am not in control and God’s plans are different than my own.  I am led… by disappointment, hardship, loneliness and a heaviness of heart toward surrender.  God is calling me to trust him, to surrender my plans and let Him be Lord of my life.  Surrender is a word that brings up all sorts of feelings of uncertainty, sacrifice, pain, and fear.  I know God’s truth- that he will always walk beside me and catch me when I fall.  Some of the most amazing things that have happened in my life came shortly after a moment of surrender…but they were never what I planned.  Somehow, even though I know that God has a greater plan and I remember his faithfulness in the past, I still struggle with surrender.  I like my plan.  I don’t want to give it up.  Being married now, the struggle with surrender is even more difficult than ever before.  What happens doesn’t just affect me now.  My plans and dreams involve my husband too and are often our plans and dreams.  The call is no longer for me to simply surrender myself, but to trust my husband to God as well.  The journey is not always easy.   I’m stubborn.  I’m selfish.  I like control and want to feel like I have my life together.  However, even though I seem to be making little progress on accomplishing my dreams, and even though I’m in a strange transition phase in my life, and even though I’ve experienced a lot of sadness, disappointment, and confusion, I am blessed to be walking alongside my Savior on this journey.  He is not insulted by my stubbornness but continues to faithfully woo me toward Himself.  I have so much to praise him for and am continuing to practice this act of surrender with different areas of my life.  He is the Good Shepherd David wrote about saying, “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).   He walks with us, desiring relationship though the good and the bad.  It’s a slow process, but I’m learning that it’s okay to not know what I’m doing in my life because I know who I’m doing it with.